Understanding Communication in Relationships: Moving Beyond Right and Wrong

When couples come to therapy, one of the most common sources of conflict I encounter is the battle over who is right and who is wrong. These disputes can feel intensely real and urgent in the moment, but what I’ve learned through years of working with couples is that the concept of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ in relationships is often a construct rather than an absolute truth.

The Reality of Two Perspectives

Each person in a relationship brings their own unique history, experiences, and upbringing to every conversation. What feels obviously “right” to you is shaped by your family background, your cultural context, your past relationships, and countless other factors that have influenced how you see the world. The same is true for your partner. Neither perspective is inherently more correct—they’re simply different lenses through which you each view the same situation.

When we get locked into proving we’re right, we stop listening. We stop trying to understand. And the relationship suffers as a result.

The Hidden Pattern

What makes this dynamic particularly challenging is that many conflicts unfold without people even realizing they’re arguing about who is right and who is wrong. The disagreement might appear to be about household responsibilities, parenting decisions, or how to spend money, but underneath it all is often this fundamental struggle over whose perspective is correct. The more frequently this pattern occurs in your relationship, the easier it becomes to simply drop into these conflicts without conscious awareness. It becomes your default mode of engagement, happening almost automatically.

The Power of Understanding and Empathy

In my work with couples, I’ve seen remarkable transformations happen when partners shift from defending their position to genuinely trying to understand their partner’s perspective. This doesn’t mean abandoning your own viewpoint—it means expanding your awareness to hold both truths at once.

When you truly understand where your partner is coming from, when you can empathize with the experiences and beliefs that shape their thinking, something shifts. The conflict becomes less about winning and more about connection. The rigid positions soften. And suddenly, new possibilities emerge.

Beyond Compromise: Creating the Third Pole

In relationships, when two people hold opposite positions, I refer to these as two poles. The natural inclination is often to seek middle ground—a compromise somewhere between these two poles. While this might seem fair, it commonly leads to an outcome where nobody is truly happy. Both people feel they’ve given up something important, and neither feels fully satisfied with the solution.

This is where my approach focuses on what I call “the third pole.” Rather than splitting the difference between your two positions, the third pole is something entirely new that you create together. It’s not about meeting in the middle—it’s about building a fresh understanding that honors both of your experiences and needs.

When both partners feel heard and understood, when you’ve both explored the deeper needs and values underlying your positions, you can discover solutions that neither of you had imagined alone. Because you’ve created this third pole together, both of you feel attached to it. It becomes your solution, not a reluctant concession. And when people are invested in what they’ve helped create, they implement it happily and wholeheartedly.

Moving Forward Together

My experience has shown me that couples who learn to move beyond right and wrong, who develop the skills to truly hear and empathize with each other, find their way to deeper connection and more satisfying solutions. The conflicts don’t disappear, but the way you navigate them transforms.

If you and your partner find yourselves stuck in cycles of who’s right and who’s wrong, I invite you to explore a different path—one where understanding replaces judgment, and where you can create new possibilities together.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

I welcome the opportunity to work with you and your partner. To schedule an appointment or learn more about how I can help, please contact me at 410-970-4917 or by email at edgewaterpsychotherapy@gmail.com.