Understanding Empathy in Your Relationship: Moving Beyond Self to True Connection

Why Communication Breaks Down

Many couples come to therapy frustrated that they “just can’t communicate.” But often, the real issue isn’t about talking more—it’s about understanding differently. You may be speaking, but are you truly connecting with how your partner experiences their world?

The Three Levels of Empathy

When we talk about empathy in relationships, most people think they know what it means. But there are actually three distinct types of empathy, and only one of them creates the deep understanding that transforms relationships.

• First Empathy: I Know How I Feel in My Situation

This is where most of us start. You’re aware of your own feelings, your own struggles, your own perspective. “I feel hurt when you come home late without calling.” “I feel overwhelmed by all the household responsibilities.” This self-awareness is important—you need to know your own emotional landscape. But this is really self-empathy, not empathy for your partner.

• Second Empathy: I Know How I Would Feel If I Were You

This sounds like empathy, doesn’t it? You’re trying to imagine your partner’s experience. The problem is, you’re still using yourself as the reference point. You’re projecting how you would feel in their circumstances, filtered through your own values, history, and emotional wiring. “If I were you, I’d be angry about that.” “If I were in your position, I wouldn’t care so much about that issue.” This is still self-empathy wearing a disguise. You haven’t actually left your own perspective—you’ve just transplanted yourself into their situation.

• Third Empathy: I Know How You Feel Being You

This is the empathy that changes everything. This is when you genuinely step into your partner’s shoes—not as yourself wearing their shoes, but as them. You understand how they feel based on who they are: their history, their sensitivities, their values, their fears, their hopes. You’re not asking “How would I feel?” but rather “How does my partner feel, given everything that makes them who they are?”

Understanding the “Why” Behind the Feelings

In our therapy work together, we don’t just focus on understanding each other’s positions—we explore why each person feels the way they do. Your partner’s reactions and needs aren’t random. They’re shaped by personal experiences, family background, cultural influences, upbringing, and core personality traits.

Maybe your partner’s intense need for punctuality comes from growing up in a chaotic household where reliability was rare. Perhaps their reluctance to discuss finances stems from cultural messages about money they absorbed as a child. Their communication style might reflect whether they grew up in a family that talked openly about feelings or one that kept everything under the surface.

When you understand not just what your partner feels but why they feel it—the experiences and influences that shaped them—you move from judgment to compassion. Their perspective stops seeming unreasonable and starts making sense, even when it’s different from yours.

Empathy vs. Sympathy: An Important Distinction

It’s worth noting that empathy and sympathy are not the same thing. Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone—”I feel bad that you’re going through this.” It comes from a place of caring, but it keeps you separate from your partner’s experience. You’re looking at them from the outside, feeling compassion for their struggle.

Empathy, especially that crucial third level, is different. It’s not feeling sorry for your partner—it’s truly understanding their experience from the inside. It’s “I get why this matters so much to you, given who you are.” Sympathy says “poor you,” while empathy says “I understand you.” In a couple’s relationship, empathy is what creates real connection and opens the path to solutions that work for both of you.

Why This Matters More Than Agreement

Here’s the crucial point: this third level of empathy doesn’t require you to agree with your partner. You don’t have to think their feelings are “right” or that you would feel the same way. You simply need to understand that they feel this way, and why it makes sense from their perspective.

When you achieve this understanding, something profound happens. Your partner feels truly seen and heard. They’re not just another version of you—they’re themselves, and you get it. That feeling of being understood reduces defensiveness, softens rigid positions, and opens the door to genuine problem-solving.

Moving Beyond Compromise to Creating New Realities

Without true empathy—that third level—couples often get stuck in compromise mode: “I’ll give you half of what you want if you give me half of what I want.” Both people walk away somewhat satisfied but also somewhat resentful. Nobody got what they really needed.

But when you truly understand how your partner feels being them, and they understand how you feel being you, something different becomes possible. You’re no longer negotiating from opposing positions. You’re standing together, looking at the situation from both perspectives simultaneously. From this place of mutual understanding, you can often create new solutions that neither of you would have thought of alone—solutions that honor both of your experiences rather than splitting the difference.

Accommodating Each Other with Love and Practicality

Understanding your partner deeply opens the door to something essential in any lasting relationship: accommodating each other’s needs with kindness, love, and compassion. When you truly grasp why your partner feels and needs what they do, accommodation stops feeling like sacrifice and starts feeling like care.

Yes, love and compassion matter. But there’s also a simple, practical reality: you have chosen to build a life together. You need to find solutions to problems. You need to live together, day after day, navigating the thousand small and large decisions that make up a shared life. You can approach this as adversaries, each trying to win, or you can approach it as partners who understand each other and genuinely want to meet each other’s needs.

When both partners embrace this mindset—when you’re both working to accommodate each other from a place of understanding—you create a relationship where both people feel cared for, respected, and valued. Problems get solved not through power struggles but through creative collaboration. And you build the kind of partnership that doesn’t just survive challenges but grows stronger through them.

The Foundation for Real Change

As you’ve already learned from our work together, what is said and meant is not always what is heard and understood. And when conflict arises, you don’t have to settle for meeting in the middle. But both of these insights rest on a foundation of genuine empathy—the kind where you truly understand each other’s inner experience.

This is the work of couples therapy: not just learning to communicate better, but learning to understand each other at a deeper level. When you can say to your partner, “I understand why you feel that way, given who you are and what matters to you,” you’ve created the conditions for real connection and lasting change.

My Approach: Practical, Experience-Based Support

My training in the clinical psychotherapy program at Columbia University, combined with years of experience working specifically with couples, has given me a practical and results-oriented approach to helping partners move forward. I don’t just offer theory—I provide concrete tools and strategies that couples can use immediately to improve their relationship. Together, we’ll work on building the kind of deep, mutual understanding that transforms how you relate to each other and solve problems together.

Moving Forward Together

Learning this third level of empathy takes practice. It requires setting aside your own perspective long enough to genuinely inhabit your partner’s. It means asking questions not to prove your point, but to truly understand theirs. It means listening not to respond, but to know.

The good news? This skill can be learned. And once you both develop it, you’ll find that the conflicts that once seemed impossible to resolve become opportunities for deeper understanding and creative solutions that work for both of you—solutions built on mutual care, respect, and the practical recognition that you’re in this life together.

Ready to Begin?

If you and your partner are ready to move beyond communication struggles and build true understanding, I’m here to help. Please call or email me to set up an appointment, and we can begin working together to create the relationship you both want and deserve.